You know...

You know, i've been so miserable lately. I want you to see that I hate it when you ignore me. And I wish he would see that I can't be with him much longer. Why is this all so much? Why is it all so confusing? Why can't either of you see how much pain you're putting me through? I'll miss him when he's gone - I don't want to hurt him, but I think I miss you more. You've always meant so much to me.

Maybe I just need some more girl friends instead of a group of guy friends. I don't know. Maybe I need to stop being so hormonal. xD as if.

In other news. I went to the mall with Shel today. I went to Zellers and got just about every environmently-friendly product I could for school (except for pens, I have enough of those left over from my poppa's death). We hung out in the cosmetics aisle, acting like the two girls we are. It was fun! Then we trolled over to georgain and looked at all of our favourite stores, and then went to Second cup to act cool. and drink apple cider on a hot day. It was great fun. I love having moments like that, where my obligations just melt away for the afternoon. But as soon as we pulled into the driveway, I heaved a sigh and knew that I was going to have to call him. I knew he would have left a message. I was kinda disapointed, really. :/

Can anyone help? I need a nice way to say good bye.

-sigh-

Why must i think of you more than him? I know i love him, but you're still always on my mind. I smile whenever I see you, and I always hope that it's you that's calling. But it's always him, and I can't help but be disappointed. I miss you. I wish you weren't so happy with her. We've never been together, but I think it was meant to be. I think you know that too. I wish you could see what I'm going through. I wish I could say goodbye to him. But I can't. I know that I should love him, because he loves me so much. But we just don't fit anymore, and I wish he would see that so that I can be with you. But I don't want to hurt him. and he keeps stopping me. He doesn't want to give up.

I wish you could see how happy i get when you sign online, or when we share web cams. Or how often I think about how I look so that I look good later on when maybe you offer to view my web cam. I miss you Jesse. You were always the first one. And until I get to experience that finally, I won't ever let you go.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I like to think about how we could be. You and I. Sometimes I think back to those nights where we were just best friends, but we both wanted more. But we didn't care, we had fun. Sometimes I wish that I never moved so that I could be with you. I'm jealous of her. You have always meant so much to me. You and I will always be more than just friends, we be the best friends of life. I'm sorry I had to move. WE both know we would have ended u[ together. Maybe we still can, later on down the road when we're both mature and less childish.

I miss us, kid. You mean so much to me, even now when I'm 3 1/2 hours away. I've considered leaving him for you because you know me that much more. Just remember, I'll always be there for you no matter who you're dating and what you're doing.

But for no, I'll just put on a smile and my happy face, and pretend that knowing you're with here and happy doesn't make me a little bit more sad than it should.

I will always love you. Always. Even if it's just as BFFs and not us as a couple, I'll be happy.

I love you, Jess. Probably more than I should.