Vandalism...

So I come to school this morning and there is black paint all over my beautiful school. Someone had decided to deface all of the entrance doors, a lot of the brick, and many other various aspects of the outside of St. Joan of Arc. Everything was crude, rude and immensely disgusting - there were pictures of penis', swastikas, '666', the names of our principal and vice-principals and how they can go suck each other cocks, as well as calling our principal a 'goat fucker' and stating right out that they were referring to his wife. It has ruined my moral.

The biggest problem is, the spray paint was oil based. On brick. Imagine that, huh? So the school has to foot the bill to pay to clean it up - estimated at $30, 000. what's even better is that, if they catch the people that did this terrible crime, the worst thing that's going to happen to them is they're going to get a slap on the wrist and have to do 20 hours of community service hours. I know, right? Big punishment. Our school has barely enough money as is to afford what we do. We're a brand new school - built in 2001 - and we have yet to prove our worth as we continue through growing pains. Our computers are beginning to become outdated, we don't have enough classrooms, many of the grade 9 students are sharing lockers because we don't have enough room for them all. We have 4 guidance councilors, 3 vice-principals and one principal, and all of these plus the rest of the staff are expected to govern a body of 1600 students.

I have my suspicion as to which grade the individual(s) are in. For some reason. our grade elevens are so rude, sarcastic (worse than I am) and so dull-witted that it's disturbing, They are little ass-wipes that have no respect for anyone. it's disgusting. So I'm fairly certain it was either one of them or a grade 12, which is kinda doubtful because the grade 12s are a small grade of pretty quiet people. We aren't overtly outspoken, but then again, neither are we very respectful. We are more so than the grade 11s, but still not what you would expect, especially coming from a catholic school.

What i find the most despicable part of this act is that people are thinking that it's fucking hilarious! They are acting as if this guy is the best thing, that he's so witty and so great because he defaced our entire, beautiful school. These are the kinda people that also knock over tombstones and vandalize synagogues.

So what this all boils down to is that I might not get a new textbook, that a team who wants to participate in a tournament in Toronto one weekend will not be able to go because they can't afford it, that our school won't be able to afford their own computer technician (which we desperately need)

This is horrible. It's disgusting, rude and so many other things that I cannot spell out. I could voice it easily enough, but typing what I feel alludes me.

This only adds to my already low expectation of my generation. We're all fucking doomed.

rawr... Just rawr.

So not only have I been bullied for my entire life off the computer, but I'm also now being bullied on the computer.

Joy of joys.

I don't even know why! I try SO hard to be nice, to stop saying 'lawl' or 'xD' so that I'm not annoying someone, etc. etc.

I've stopped using one of my favourite chat rooms/channels because people are turds. I just show up when someone says my name or when something happens that I feel the need to be included in. I don't know. I just don't get it.

I'm a nice person, right?!

On that note...

As I mentioned yesterday, today is remembrance day in Canada. We held an assembly today to celebrate the day. The played the pipes and 'Taps' was played by my music teacher. I ended up bawling.

I offered to take pictures for the yearbook. I was going to the assembly anyways, so It's not liek it mattered. :/ They ended up playing Amazing Grace on pipes, which killed me. My Poppa was piped out of the church to Amazing Grace. I'm tearing up just thinking about it.

I also shed tears for the soldiers who have given their life and their freedom for mine. I really wish I could do more than post a few heartfelt posts about it, but unfortunately I cannot.

In remembrance. We remember them. <3

:)

Nothing much to say today - there was white stuff on the ground again this morning D:

I need to get to sleep earlier. I didn't end up going to sleep until at least 12 last night, and then i woke up an hour later because ... I have no idea. It sucked. So I got like, 6 hours of sleep and now I'm cranky and kinda tired. But hey.

Tomorrow's Remembrance Day here in Canada. It's similar to Veteran's Day, but we don't get any time of school/work/etc. Instead, all the provinces celebrate a moment of silence at 11 their time. It's harder at school's - especially mine because there's a lunch (we have 3 lunches) at 11. But we are going to assemble and pray for our soldiers over-seas and thank the soldiers that gave their life for our freedom.

Lest we forget.
In Flanders fields the poppies grow
Between the crosses row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks still bravely singing, fly.
Scare heard amid the guns below.

We are the dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow.
Loved, and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders Fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw,
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die,
We shall not sleep though poppies grow
In Flanders Fields.

-Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae, MD (1872-1918)
Canadian Army

F*cking A....

Assholes.

Many guys are jerks. Assholes. Idiots. I hate it. I brought in 5 cookies for myself - my snack, right?! So i left it on my computer for like, 2 seconds while i went to fix my hair before our class played Jeopardy. I come back, and 3 out of my 5 cookies are gone. GONE. Assholes!

I hate highschool. Hate it. People are ass wipes. No one knows how to behave. But as always, I am called to be the bigger person. There's so many fucking smaller people in the world, it's a wonder I don't step on them all...

Heres's another one...

I noticed today that I'm trying to be perfect for everyone. It's not working out that well. But as I found out, "It's better to be hated for who you than loved for who you are not."

Right?!

Congrats!

I want to send a congratulations out to my neighbours to the south - though Obama is more socialist than many Americans appreciate, he was the right choice in my honest opinion. Granted, I am more liberal than many, but that's a different story. Today, history has been made. Now we just have to wait another 2 1/2 months for him to get into the White House...

What I really don't get is why the American's are so upset about a more 'socialist' president. Canada gets along just fine - I find that the American political views are very odd. But, again, I am a Liberal. Very Liberal. If you follow Canadian political parties, I'm so Liberal that I'm NDP (New Democrat Party). xD So... :P

I wish I understood the American electoral system better. But I barely understand the Canadian one, so it's pretty fail :P

I got new make-up, so I've started wearing it everyday again. It's exciting.

I got my flu shot Monday afternoon. My arm still kinda aches. I don't know why I agreed to it, but I did. xD my doctor pretty much caught me off guard. It was funny.

I also got a vial of Hep B. I didn't get my shots in grade 7 because my mom forgot to sign one freakin' line. Stupid health unit... O_o

What else has happened... I guess that's pretty much it. (See? I'm updating better :P) tell next time, right?

Hmm...

So I went riding on Saturday. Left the house at 12:30, came back at 6:30 =D It was amazing. I loved it. I rode english and western (I hate western, it hurts D:) I'm still sore two days later. Kinda fail. xD But I had fun. I love riding. So much.

I didn't get to go curling on Sunday though. My mom was going to see Rita MacNeil and The Men of The Deep - one of my cousins is in the Men of the Deep ^_^. His name is Billy. =D I didn't get to go because it was at Casino Rama - you have to be like, 18 or 19 to go.

I did change my timetable around, so I'm going to be staying in high school one more year so I can get my grade 12 math. It's great. My life is looking up (while sliding down at the same time).

What else has happened... Oh yeah! Lol. I was using skype with a bunch of my online freinds the other day. It was hilarious. There was an Austrian, a German, one (or two) Americans, and a Brit. Plus me, the Canadian. xDD It was hilarious. The Austrian and the German kept speaking German and making fun of me... But that's them. I <3 them nonetheless.

What else... Hm... My grandma came up! I love her so much. She means so much, especially after my poppa passed. I used to call my poppa once or twice a week. Thursday, the day after curling, and then maybe again after Monday (again after curling on Sundays xD) So now I need someone to talk to.

Ugh. I don't know. xDD I can't think of anything lse to bable about. I'll try and keep this more updated. Promise!!

Dear Lord, some people...

Wow. A lot has happened since last night. A lot. I came home from a perfectly fine day at school and then an amazing curling practise (first one of the season! <3), to find that I had been highlighted on mIRC at least 5 separate times. Turns out a pretty good friend of mine was a spy and a male instead of a female as I had previously thought. So that was a shocker. Then this morning, I'm at the table I normally sit at in the morning - my friend's are there, I'm talking to two of them, when one of the people I had previously thought I was friends with tapped me lightly on the shoulder. I went over to talk to him and he basically told me I bitch and complain too much. And that the entire group of people I hang with had pretty much dropped the ball because none of them had enough balls to confront me earlier.

I love critism. But apparently He pretty much hates me, thinks I need to grow up, and was fed up with the way I act. I have no idea where any of it came from and it's making me question a LOT of things. Apparently I trust far too fast. Case in point? Both of these.

I don't even know what to do right now. I'm so messed up. I'm all shaky and almost crying and I'm just so messed up. I now know that I need this visit to my hometown this weekend and see Jesse. I can't wait - I miss him so much. Plus I'll get to see Sami. Both things should help.

It snowed! It was SO beautiful. <3 I wish I had had a camera... I think I'm going to spend my birthday money on a camera. My uncle and I will go camera shopping. I'm hoping for a canon or something of similar quality. I LOVE taking pictures, and I so badly want a good camera to be able to do that.

I guess that's all for now. 'Til next time <33

ALRIGHTY.

Omg, hai. xD I dropped the ball, I'm sorry. <3. Just nothing worth talking about has happened.

I'll catch you up anyways.

I went to see The Taming of the Shrew in Stratford, Ontario. That was beautiful <3 and amazing. So that's the picture over there. I sat up in the balcony right behind where the picture was taken, right in the top. Such a beautiful stage. Such a beautiful town, too. Even in the rain. I went last year. Pretty! =D I am SUCH girl. Go figure.

Now I'll have to catch up more... So that was Tuesday of last week. It's now Sunday of... This week. xD This week I had archery in gym - that was UBER exciting. I sucked in the class because all the bows liked to shoot left. Plus I forgot to sight down the arrow... >_> Lawl. But I went on Friday for two class periods to a local range. Then I came back to school and skipped third - so I had three lunches. Guess what I ate? LAWL. Only a granola bar. xDD I know, right? :P Then I went to fourth and did nothing because we had a substitute and it's a computer course. So I pretty much just emailed my online friend José a few times and helped a friend with a psych essay. Not much. So then I came home, called Jesse and watched Days of Our Lives (I'm now hooked on a soap... How sad!). Then I called José and talked to him while I packed and did laundry. I ended up going to my dad's. Pft. I don't like my dad's house very much. I don't DO anything. This weekend I ended up going to dinner and the movies with my Aunt Karen - she's 19 so she's more like a cousin.

We went to a sports bar and her two guy friends showed up. That was weird/cool. She's in university, so it was... Good, I guess? xDD Then we went to Chapters (Canadian Book store) to kill some time before out movie. We went to see 'The Secret Life Of Bees.' It was a sad chick flicker. But it was REALLY good. I bawled. xD

Wha else happened... Well I went to my grandma's the weekend before this one - so a week ago. It was Canadian thanksgiving so I got to eat turkey! Nummy nummy. I also got an alptop for my birthday from my grandma and grandpa. Let's put it this way - one USB port, and it came with Windows 2000. She bought it off of ebay for $250.

What else is there... Not much, I guess. That was about it. xDD I'll REALLY try update more.

Oh yeah. My dad didn't give me a camera for my birthday.

why?

why oh why must these songs remind me of you? why can't i get away?

why do i constantly think of you?

Is it a good thing that i'm kinda happy that you and Jo need a break?

I wish i could come up and see you. But this weekend my uncle's working, next weekend is Thanksgiving, and the weekend after that he's working again. It'll be at least a month (probably more) until i can see you again. If you and Jo 'take a break' and get back together... Well I've lost my chance for another few months.

I just want it to be you and I, Jess. I just want to kiss you once. Just once. But at this rate, it won't ever happen.

I guess, as long as I know we're best friends forever, I don't care what happens. But for as long as I live, some of the songs from 'From Under the Cork Tree' will always remind me of you. So will 'I'll Do Anything.' Because that's just how we are.

I'd do anything

Just to hold you in my arm

To try to make you laugh

'Cuz somehow I can't put you in the past

I'd do anything

Just to fall asleep with you

Will you remember me

'Cuz I know I won't forget you

Small update.

Everyday, right? =D

Today's - try and find my picasa. I've been adding pictures everyday for the past three days. xDD

Maybe i'll start a picture a day feature once i get my new camera. (:

Oh! I forgot!

I talked to Jesse for a half hour today. He's getting a new job - or wants to - which will be good. His mere had a heart attack, but she's better now.

And he thinks somethings wrong between him an Jo. :/ I'm sad. He said something, i don't remember what, and instead of going with my gut and trying to make this better for me, i told him that they'll work through it, they'll stay together.

Is is bad that i want him to be mine?

:/

That's all i can use to describe the way i feel about you.

I love you. I'm am totally and irrevocably in love with you and how you used to make me feel.

I just wish you would see it the same way.

People......

There's this girl that's been in a few of my classes - i won't say her name just in case she decides to Google her name and comes up with this - that would suck. But she's such a prissy bitch. She's always doing things right, always being the teacher's pet, involved in all the co-curricular activities. Rawr. And she's so... Ugh. I just don't like her. :/ it sucks.

So I learned today I can't go on the comm tech trip tomorrow to the metro convention centre in downtown Toronto. It's because my mom blanked on giving me the money and signing the forms. I'm really worried about her. I used to look up to her, and now I'm starting to 'look down on her,' so to speak. I'm worried. This is the second time (that I know of) that shes' done that. I'm worried. Very seriously worried. She hasn't taken the death of her dad (my poppa, see this post) or the near-death of a young (22) cousin from cancer. She's become lifeless and had been drinking wine more. She's also been stressed about her job - again. this is what happened before I moved from Espanola. Maybe she just doesn't take stress as well as some people? I don't know. Or maybe she really is over-stressed. I don't know. I'm worried. I know i've said it a lot, but it's true.

Only 5 days until my birthday... I don't know if I should be excited or worried that the two things i asked for won't happen. :/

Help, I need somebody
Help, not just anybody
Help, you know I need someone,
Help!

So!

I'm trying really hard to update this once every two days or so. Sometimes they may be rants, sometimes snippets, sometimes things i liked (quotes etc) that I've heard.

Today, a few things happened.

I've realized i need anger management some days. I got angry at my friend for sitting beside someone else - granted, there's more to the story, but that's alright.

I changed my courses a bit - My schedule is now:
Semester 1
Period 1: Business (mixed level)
Period 2: Gym (open)
Period 3: Religion (mixed)
Period 4: Grade 11 Comm tech (mixed)

Semester 2
Period 1: Individuals and Families in a Diverse Society(mixed) - will help with teaching
Period 2: Grade 12 Comm Tech (mixed)
Period 3: university-level English
Period 4: university-level Studies in Literature.

Where mixed means that it prepares one for both college and university - not that it's a co-ed class :P

So that was my day at school.

Last night I talked to Jesse - I've been calling him almost every night - I miss him lots and i'm worried about him living at his Mére's. I want to know why he moved out.

But that's not the point. We were talking about cybernations (I know, geeks right? xD). And then as the end of the conversation came, he mentioned "You know i'll really be restraining myself when you come up, right?"

...

What am I going to do?! It's so... Confusing. Or maybe he just thinks he loves Jo and really loves me. I don't know. I'm happy he's happy with Jo. I really am. Really! I just hope she doesn't hurt him - because then he's hurt and then i loose him again until he finds another girl because i don't think either of us could do a long-term relationship. We're both too cuddly. it wouldn't work. It's hard for me to just be friends with him long-distance - can you imagine if we were dating?! Wouldn't work. ever.

so that was that.

Today, i also learned that people need a big plate of respect spoon-fed to them. Very quickly. It disgusts me how little respect people have for each other. Even as nations! it makes me sad. I wish i could change this - maybe as i become older, wiser, I will "be the change [i] want to" (Gandhi). I don't know. it would be a good thing. Just not right now. I'm having a hard enough time thinking about only school.

I could rant more about respect, but i don't really want to. It'll just make me more and more angry. It won't turn out nicely.

Weird thing happened today - my teacher and i exchanged emails. Now don't get me wrong - he's happily married and i'm SO not interested. We realyl just sent cool pictrues to each other becuase he's the teacher that run's yearbook... and i'm like... the editor-in-chief, so to speak. So we have to present ideas and exchange ideas in order to keep more update and to keep the yearbook ticking along.

So i guess that's it for now. P.S - my birthday's in 13 days! w00t. (:

tootles!

Post-secondary (from the other day, forgot to post)

I'm becoming more and more relaxed when thinking about my post-secondary education - excited even.

I know at least my undergrad years are paid for, which is amazing. I know what i want - I want a degree in English and in comm-tech if I can without a grade 12 math.

I just don't know WHERE i want to go. I should to go to a school that offers con-ed (teaching) for a degree in English and then use comm-tech or religion as a second teachable. I don't know. :/

Onwards and forwards... Remember my Friday post? yeah, well, it turns out that now i'm in the same group as them for this class. I'm so freakin' worried. I'm almost crying in my little corner of comm-tech. I know my teacher - Eby, will do what's best. he's a nice guy. But i'm shaking. I'm worried. For today, Eby has me working on something different than taking pictures - or, at least, not the folio tabs with them.

Hm..

So ever since the break-up, things have been decidedly less dramatic.

Though my mood-swings are getting pretty bad. I'm not very good with people, and I'm not very emotionally stable on a good day. But when you combine the two - there is either lots of anger or lots of tears. Or both.

I've decided I need a psychiatrist. I've never been very good with people, and I want to know why. This all stems from an incident on Friday at school. I'm in yearbook class at my school - I've been working on the yearbook since grade nine. I think i kinda know what I'm doing. I was visiting my friend on the other side of the class, when i looked at the empty computer next to her. The screen was on, an there was a layout open with a text box blinking away. I read the text and realized it had two very minor mistakes. So without asking the owner of the computer (I had actually thought it was someone else's), i fixed the two mistakes. I put a capital 'T' on Terry Fox, and fixed the date to say "Thursday, September 18" instead of "Thursday/September 18" two very minor, very easy, very non-dramatic errors.

And then the owner starts bitching. "What the hell do you think you're doing???" "I was just fixing..." "WHAT?!? What the hell? It's not your computer...." and so on and so forth. It ended up being a itch fight between me, the owner, and the owners friend. The owner's friend happened to have been in my drama class last year, and claimed that I would have "freaked if someone else did the same" I said no -i think I know what I would do, kthnx. I would let someone correct my grammar - I know I'm not perfect, no one is. she kept saying that "you would do blah blah blah" well thanks for putting words in my mouth, bitch. And for dredging up the past - you're getting better in my books now, aren't ya?

Why do females have to be so damned aggressive with each other? O_o

Jesse moved out of his mom's house. I'm worried it's to be closer to his girlfriend - I'm worried she's going to break his heart, the poor boy. :/ Maybe I like him more than he and I both realize. I don't know.

I went to Beatlemania in Orilla yesterday - it was great! I saw the amazing tribute band "Help!" - they were amazing. It was pretty awesome.

I also went riding early in the day yesterday - I'm not sore today, which is excellent news. I was on one of the sweetest horses ever. He had a bit of a odd-ball temperament under the saddle. but he was still cute and super friendly. His name was Caesar. Amazing to ride - just a bumpy trot. He was a bit hard-headed though. I was having problems keeping him in trot along the gate-side, past the instructor and when doing circles - not at large. He didn't really like to turn, either. xD and I kept loosing my stirrups, which was annoying. But other than that - amazing horse. I love my new barn. <3

R.I.P. Poppa - i miss you.

Though I didn't want to, I finally did it. I had to leave you. It hurt me, but not as much as it hurt you. I know I made the right decision, but you don't think the same.

And it wasn't for Jesse. I've gotten over Jess. I know he's unobtainable. No, instead it's for my own right as a woman. I needed the space to flirt. I missed that most of all.

Ever since my poppa passed, I've been different. You seemed to not notice it, until I started mentioning that i didn't think we were 'right' anymore. You kept missing it, the 5 times i did it, and I seemed to blind-side you with it. You didn't get it. It hurt me to hurt you so much, but I knew that this was the right decision. I needed grade 12 to be myself. To be who i was before i knew you. I need grade 12 to be a fun-filled teen with no commitments but school and a pretend social life. I need grade 12 to become closer to Shelby and Shaun before i leave. I needed grade 12 to work myself as a person out, not you and I as a couple.

I'm sorry I did it, but that doesn't mean I'll take you back. We need to become better friends before I can do that. and I'm super sorry that's the case. I miss you. I always will. But for now, let's just stay friends and see where life takes us, alright/

And for now, I'll stay happy. I'll work through my mourning of my poppa, through our loss, and if I find a rebound, that's excellent. If you find a girl who takes your breath away, that's even better. Just remember, don't forget about what's in your own backyard. Because when one door closes, another one opens. We're just sometimes so busy staring at the closed door in longing, that we miss the light from the new one.

Remember to keep looking for the light - and don't wear those sunglasses. You're far too pretty.

You know...

You know, i've been so miserable lately. I want you to see that I hate it when you ignore me. And I wish he would see that I can't be with him much longer. Why is this all so much? Why is it all so confusing? Why can't either of you see how much pain you're putting me through? I'll miss him when he's gone - I don't want to hurt him, but I think I miss you more. You've always meant so much to me.

Maybe I just need some more girl friends instead of a group of guy friends. I don't know. Maybe I need to stop being so hormonal. xD as if.

In other news. I went to the mall with Shel today. I went to Zellers and got just about every environmently-friendly product I could for school (except for pens, I have enough of those left over from my poppa's death). We hung out in the cosmetics aisle, acting like the two girls we are. It was fun! Then we trolled over to georgain and looked at all of our favourite stores, and then went to Second cup to act cool. and drink apple cider on a hot day. It was great fun. I love having moments like that, where my obligations just melt away for the afternoon. But as soon as we pulled into the driveway, I heaved a sigh and knew that I was going to have to call him. I knew he would have left a message. I was kinda disapointed, really. :/

Can anyone help? I need a nice way to say good bye.

-sigh-

Why must i think of you more than him? I know i love him, but you're still always on my mind. I smile whenever I see you, and I always hope that it's you that's calling. But it's always him, and I can't help but be disappointed. I miss you. I wish you weren't so happy with her. We've never been together, but I think it was meant to be. I think you know that too. I wish you could see what I'm going through. I wish I could say goodbye to him. But I can't. I know that I should love him, because he loves me so much. But we just don't fit anymore, and I wish he would see that so that I can be with you. But I don't want to hurt him. and he keeps stopping me. He doesn't want to give up.

I wish you could see how happy i get when you sign online, or when we share web cams. Or how often I think about how I look so that I look good later on when maybe you offer to view my web cam. I miss you Jesse. You were always the first one. And until I get to experience that finally, I won't ever let you go.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I like to think about how we could be. You and I. Sometimes I think back to those nights where we were just best friends, but we both wanted more. But we didn't care, we had fun. Sometimes I wish that I never moved so that I could be with you. I'm jealous of her. You have always meant so much to me. You and I will always be more than just friends, we be the best friends of life. I'm sorry I had to move. WE both know we would have ended u[ together. Maybe we still can, later on down the road when we're both mature and less childish.

I miss us, kid. You mean so much to me, even now when I'm 3 1/2 hours away. I've considered leaving him for you because you know me that much more. Just remember, I'll always be there for you no matter who you're dating and what you're doing.

But for no, I'll just put on a smile and my happy face, and pretend that knowing you're with here and happy doesn't make me a little bit more sad than it should.

I will always love you. Always. Even if it's just as BFFs and not us as a couple, I'll be happy.

I love you, Jess. Probably more than I should.

rawr

So I've realized that people don't trust me as a 16-year old. Apparently stereo-types are stronger than personality these days. As a student of a catholic high school, a coach at little-rock, skip on two curling teams, one of the editors of the yearbook, and the student head of the announcement crew. Yet, my decisions and comments (when actually listened to) are taken as false, unimportant and useless. So somehow, even though I have seven or eight years of curling, people don't believe me, just because I'm sixteen. How weird is that? So I'm expected to sit back and let people of apparent 'authority' walk all over me. AND THEN. Get this. They tell me to get a backbone when I let classmates walk all over me.

wtf.

It doesn't make much sense, does it? But I guess that's okay, sometimes.

Just not EVERYDAY. Oh well. I guess, until I'm the age of majority, I have to let it happen. Then I have many, many, MANY years ahead of me for paying taxes, voting, and making my own decisions.

And that's that.