:/

That's all i can use to describe the way i feel about you.

I love you. I'm am totally and irrevocably in love with you and how you used to make me feel.

I just wish you would see it the same way.

People......

There's this girl that's been in a few of my classes - i won't say her name just in case she decides to Google her name and comes up with this - that would suck. But she's such a prissy bitch. She's always doing things right, always being the teacher's pet, involved in all the co-curricular activities. Rawr. And she's so... Ugh. I just don't like her. :/ it sucks.

So I learned today I can't go on the comm tech trip tomorrow to the metro convention centre in downtown Toronto. It's because my mom blanked on giving me the money and signing the forms. I'm really worried about her. I used to look up to her, and now I'm starting to 'look down on her,' so to speak. I'm worried. This is the second time (that I know of) that shes' done that. I'm worried. Very seriously worried. She hasn't taken the death of her dad (my poppa, see this post) or the near-death of a young (22) cousin from cancer. She's become lifeless and had been drinking wine more. She's also been stressed about her job - again. this is what happened before I moved from Espanola. Maybe she just doesn't take stress as well as some people? I don't know. Or maybe she really is over-stressed. I don't know. I'm worried. I know i've said it a lot, but it's true.

Only 5 days until my birthday... I don't know if I should be excited or worried that the two things i asked for won't happen. :/

Help, I need somebody
Help, not just anybody
Help, you know I need someone,
Help!

So!

I'm trying really hard to update this once every two days or so. Sometimes they may be rants, sometimes snippets, sometimes things i liked (quotes etc) that I've heard.

Today, a few things happened.

I've realized i need anger management some days. I got angry at my friend for sitting beside someone else - granted, there's more to the story, but that's alright.

I changed my courses a bit - My schedule is now:
Semester 1
Period 1: Business (mixed level)
Period 2: Gym (open)
Period 3: Religion (mixed)
Period 4: Grade 11 Comm tech (mixed)

Semester 2
Period 1: Individuals and Families in a Diverse Society(mixed) - will help with teaching
Period 2: Grade 12 Comm Tech (mixed)
Period 3: university-level English
Period 4: university-level Studies in Literature.

Where mixed means that it prepares one for both college and university - not that it's a co-ed class :P

So that was my day at school.

Last night I talked to Jesse - I've been calling him almost every night - I miss him lots and i'm worried about him living at his Mére's. I want to know why he moved out.

But that's not the point. We were talking about cybernations (I know, geeks right? xD). And then as the end of the conversation came, he mentioned "You know i'll really be restraining myself when you come up, right?"

...

What am I going to do?! It's so... Confusing. Or maybe he just thinks he loves Jo and really loves me. I don't know. I'm happy he's happy with Jo. I really am. Really! I just hope she doesn't hurt him - because then he's hurt and then i loose him again until he finds another girl because i don't think either of us could do a long-term relationship. We're both too cuddly. it wouldn't work. It's hard for me to just be friends with him long-distance - can you imagine if we were dating?! Wouldn't work. ever.

so that was that.

Today, i also learned that people need a big plate of respect spoon-fed to them. Very quickly. It disgusts me how little respect people have for each other. Even as nations! it makes me sad. I wish i could change this - maybe as i become older, wiser, I will "be the change [i] want to" (Gandhi). I don't know. it would be a good thing. Just not right now. I'm having a hard enough time thinking about only school.

I could rant more about respect, but i don't really want to. It'll just make me more and more angry. It won't turn out nicely.

Weird thing happened today - my teacher and i exchanged emails. Now don't get me wrong - he's happily married and i'm SO not interested. We realyl just sent cool pictrues to each other becuase he's the teacher that run's yearbook... and i'm like... the editor-in-chief, so to speak. So we have to present ideas and exchange ideas in order to keep more update and to keep the yearbook ticking along.

So i guess that's it for now. P.S - my birthday's in 13 days! w00t. (:

tootles!

Post-secondary (from the other day, forgot to post)

I'm becoming more and more relaxed when thinking about my post-secondary education - excited even.

I know at least my undergrad years are paid for, which is amazing. I know what i want - I want a degree in English and in comm-tech if I can without a grade 12 math.

I just don't know WHERE i want to go. I should to go to a school that offers con-ed (teaching) for a degree in English and then use comm-tech or religion as a second teachable. I don't know. :/

Onwards and forwards... Remember my Friday post? yeah, well, it turns out that now i'm in the same group as them for this class. I'm so freakin' worried. I'm almost crying in my little corner of comm-tech. I know my teacher - Eby, will do what's best. he's a nice guy. But i'm shaking. I'm worried. For today, Eby has me working on something different than taking pictures - or, at least, not the folio tabs with them.

Hm..

So ever since the break-up, things have been decidedly less dramatic.

Though my mood-swings are getting pretty bad. I'm not very good with people, and I'm not very emotionally stable on a good day. But when you combine the two - there is either lots of anger or lots of tears. Or both.

I've decided I need a psychiatrist. I've never been very good with people, and I want to know why. This all stems from an incident on Friday at school. I'm in yearbook class at my school - I've been working on the yearbook since grade nine. I think i kinda know what I'm doing. I was visiting my friend on the other side of the class, when i looked at the empty computer next to her. The screen was on, an there was a layout open with a text box blinking away. I read the text and realized it had two very minor mistakes. So without asking the owner of the computer (I had actually thought it was someone else's), i fixed the two mistakes. I put a capital 'T' on Terry Fox, and fixed the date to say "Thursday, September 18" instead of "Thursday/September 18" two very minor, very easy, very non-dramatic errors.

And then the owner starts bitching. "What the hell do you think you're doing???" "I was just fixing..." "WHAT?!? What the hell? It's not your computer...." and so on and so forth. It ended up being a itch fight between me, the owner, and the owners friend. The owner's friend happened to have been in my drama class last year, and claimed that I would have "freaked if someone else did the same" I said no -i think I know what I would do, kthnx. I would let someone correct my grammar - I know I'm not perfect, no one is. she kept saying that "you would do blah blah blah" well thanks for putting words in my mouth, bitch. And for dredging up the past - you're getting better in my books now, aren't ya?

Why do females have to be so damned aggressive with each other? O_o

Jesse moved out of his mom's house. I'm worried it's to be closer to his girlfriend - I'm worried she's going to break his heart, the poor boy. :/ Maybe I like him more than he and I both realize. I don't know.

I went to Beatlemania in Orilla yesterday - it was great! I saw the amazing tribute band "Help!" - they were amazing. It was pretty awesome.

I also went riding early in the day yesterday - I'm not sore today, which is excellent news. I was on one of the sweetest horses ever. He had a bit of a odd-ball temperament under the saddle. but he was still cute and super friendly. His name was Caesar. Amazing to ride - just a bumpy trot. He was a bit hard-headed though. I was having problems keeping him in trot along the gate-side, past the instructor and when doing circles - not at large. He didn't really like to turn, either. xD and I kept loosing my stirrups, which was annoying. But other than that - amazing horse. I love my new barn. <3

R.I.P. Poppa - i miss you.

Though I didn't want to, I finally did it. I had to leave you. It hurt me, but not as much as it hurt you. I know I made the right decision, but you don't think the same.

And it wasn't for Jesse. I've gotten over Jess. I know he's unobtainable. No, instead it's for my own right as a woman. I needed the space to flirt. I missed that most of all.

Ever since my poppa passed, I've been different. You seemed to not notice it, until I started mentioning that i didn't think we were 'right' anymore. You kept missing it, the 5 times i did it, and I seemed to blind-side you with it. You didn't get it. It hurt me to hurt you so much, but I knew that this was the right decision. I needed grade 12 to be myself. To be who i was before i knew you. I need grade 12 to be a fun-filled teen with no commitments but school and a pretend social life. I need grade 12 to become closer to Shelby and Shaun before i leave. I needed grade 12 to work myself as a person out, not you and I as a couple.

I'm sorry I did it, but that doesn't mean I'll take you back. We need to become better friends before I can do that. and I'm super sorry that's the case. I miss you. I always will. But for now, let's just stay friends and see where life takes us, alright/

And for now, I'll stay happy. I'll work through my mourning of my poppa, through our loss, and if I find a rebound, that's excellent. If you find a girl who takes your breath away, that's even better. Just remember, don't forget about what's in your own backyard. Because when one door closes, another one opens. We're just sometimes so busy staring at the closed door in longing, that we miss the light from the new one.

Remember to keep looking for the light - and don't wear those sunglasses. You're far too pretty.